Vessels of Connection
July at Eirene Cafe
In July, we explore loneliness by distancing ourselves from self-blame and guilt. This letter is the first installment of the month’s series.
“I’m at peace with my loneliness. It doesn’t make me suffer anymore, and I don’t long to have friends,” an older lady in her seventies told me recently.
For a second, her curved lips hinted at a trace of deep-seated resignation. Her voice was deep and almost a whisper, and as much as I wanted to find the wise calmness in it, nothing but apathy surfaced.
It was not a revelation to me—her lifestyle was telling; instead, I was surprised by her awareness and by the vocal admission of her lifelong loneliness. She belongs to a generation that sees vulnerability as a weakness, managing to cope with fear, sadness, and rage through a well-mastered ability of emotional repression.
Why was she so lonely?
On one occasion, she briefly opened up about why she failed to make friends. While she appears to be a confident person with a healthy dose of self-esteem, beneath the facade lies a woman trying to hide how unworthy she feels. Unworthy to feel loved, to be appreciated, to have other people’s exclusive attention. She feels like she’s never been enough.
Loneliness has been defined as the subjective, painful emotional state that occurs when there is a perceived discrepancy between a person’s desired and achieved patterns of social interaction. — Hawkley & Cacioppo
I knew what she meant. I feel that way too.
She is a mother, grandmother, wife, sister, and aunt; being her family’s caregiver and caretaker has always been her primary identity. In the first half of her life, she changed cities a few times. She lived in some of them long enough to build long-lasting friendships, but she didn’t manage to do so. She has no friends from the periods before moving out and after returning to her hometown. She never had a job and never got the opportunity to shape a more subtle aspect of her identity—that of a colleague—which lies between casual acquaintance and friend.
You would think that given her main occupation as a housewife, she would have developed strong bonds with at least a couple of neighbors, experiencing the reassurance of being in sync with the people living next door. That’s not the case, as the area where she currently lives is sparsely populated. She doesn’t have hobbies, practice sports, nor belong to religious communities; her daily activities are limited to cooking, cleaning, and watching TV.
Despite managing to maintain a reputation as a socially integrated person, apparently happy with the status of her connections and relationships, her life feels empty, deprived of important aspects that would have otherwise made for a multilayered identity.
For many of us, loneliness is a homecoming
Trying to pinpoint the cause behind it sets oneself up for failure, as humans are a vastness of complexities. However, there are interesting theories about why this lady fell into an unhealthy pattern of loneliness, isolation, and later depression, and why she never managed to break free from it.
According to sociologist Robert S. Weiss, who developed an influential psychological theory of loneliness, the explanation for this dangerous human condition lies in the attachment theory. Weiss identified six social needs that, if unmet, contribute to feelings of loneliness: attachment, social integration, nurturance, reassurance of worth, a sense of reliable alliance, and guidance in stressful situations.
Then there is the cognitive approach to loneliness. It posits that loneliness is characterized by distinct differences in perceptions and attributions. Lonely individuals tend to have a pessimistic general outlook; they are more negative than those who are not lonely about the people, events, and circumstances in their lives, and they tend to blame themselves for not being able to achieve fulfilling social relationships.
Another theoretical perspective, the behavioral approach, holds that loneliness is characterized by personality traits that are associated with, and possibly contribute to, harmful patterns of interpersonal interaction. For instance, loneliness is correlated with social anxiety, inhibition, sadness, hostility, distrust, and low self-esteem—characteristics that undermine one’s ability to interact in positive and rewarding ways.
When combined they can give us a more complete picture of what it means to be human.
It’s not all in our childhood, head, or behavior
I dare to say, there is something more. Reflecting on the life journey of this lonely lady and the meaningful relationships I’ve known, I’ve come to a more nuanced explanation—something I’ve felt in myself for the last 10 years but was unable to put into words until now.
I also dare to ask: can we, to a certain degree, hold our societal structures accountable for the growing number of people living with chronic loneliness?
It’s crucial to explore and acknowledge how complex aspects of our social context—such as feelings of belonging, sense of meaning, and social support—may contribute to feelings of isolation and solitude. To understand why, it is important to remember that who we are is defined not only by our unique characteristics, but also by the groups we identify with, such as our family, ethnic, occupational, social, political, or recreational groups. They are all building blocks of our identities, not only because of their practical or material outcomes, but because they give us the opportunity to experiment with our personal identities.
Not identifying with or belonging to valued groups means not having access to their social and psychological resources. These resources may include self-esteem, social support, a sense of shared purpose, and the ability to exert control over valued outcomes.
What happens when we are part of valued groups is magical. It enables us to develop and express more positive traits and qualities of ourselves and build and cultivate our social identities.
Social Identity Theory, proposed by Henri Tajfel and John Turner in the 1970s, posits that individuals derive a portion of their self-concept from their membership in social groups. The theory tries to explain the cognitive processes and social conditions underlying intergroup behaviors, especially those related to prejudice, bias, and discrimination.
Social identity is a person’s sense of who they are based on their group membership(s). — Tajfel & Turner
Needless to say, our social identities are a powerful prevention against loneliness and the mental health disorders that may consequently arise.
We focus so much on perfecting our personal identity that we perceive ourselves as stones lying on a beach, solid and fixed, when in reality, we are more like spider webs—ever-changing, overlapping, and easily affected by our interconnectedness.
Maybe it’s time we change perspective and move from 'I' to 'we' when we talk about loneliness
Instead of seeing ourselves limited to one identity, we should view ourselves as a multitude of identities that activate as the environment changes. Perhaps it’s time to ditch the oversimplification of 'I’m lonely' and say instead 'We are detached from vital experiences,’ where ‘we’ stands for the variety of social identities we have. When we feel lonely, it’s rarely only because of a lack of friendships. If you look further, you’ll see there are other parts of your being that are cut off from vitality and unable to express themselves.
At this point, I wonder if having other social identities or group memberships to fall back on could have protected this lady from becoming isolated and consequently depressed, both as a new mom in a new city and as an older woman lacking self-actualization. Research has shown that people who are reminded of their different social identities cope better with failure, particularly by reducing their inclination to attribute that failure to themselves. Additionally, evidence suggests that social identities and group memberships can provide purpose, a sense of belonging to the social world, and promote resilience against psychological strain.
We need to build awareness that sometimes our environment, with its social units, will fail to activate aspects that make us feel alive, connected, purposeful, and accomplished. It’s a great burden to deal with the vacuum we might feel in those situations.
Recently, I set myself up to understand better the ‘lateral’ factors that can trigger loneliness and how to spot them. Research has become my favorite pastime, and there are some interesting findings I’ll be sharing in the next couple of weeks.
July Conversations
If you are in the mood for some self-discovery time and inspiring exchange, head to July Conversations. You can keep the answers for your introspective self or share them with others looking for solace in relating.
July Gatherings
If you’re in the mood for good company and a journaling practice from the comfort of your armchair, join us next Tuesday at 9:30 CET. Paid subscribers will receive the meeting link the day before.
More beautiful photography!